Finally the age of questions has come to an end and I for one must thank the high-lord General John Fav of Reau for putting to bed a conflict so intense that many have died striving to know who would win, cowboys or aliens.
I, like most of the known universe, have wanted to see a film with cowboys and aliens in it so much that I regularly glue my face to two separate televisions and watch unforgiven and alien at the same time, you know... for the verisimilitude… Ok not really, but my obvious attempt at being equal parts funny and facetious highlight this is one of those films no body was asking for. Could it be the next big thing?
The film follows Daniel Craig as the man with no name (Jake) as he wakes up discombobulated and alone in the middle of the desert, his arm is clad in a weird shackle of some kind but before he can define whether his ass and elbow are one singular appendage he is set upon by a group of extras wishing to cash in on his valuable outlaw hide. Three ass-whoopings later, Daniel Craig steals their excellently tailored clothes (that fit every contour of his body perfectly) and makes his way to town.
Upon reaching town, his wounds are tended to by none other than The Kurgen himself, Clancy “The Kurgen” Brown. Eventually, Daniel Craig has to throw down and prove his bad-assery after getting into a spot of legal trouble busting Paul Dano (Percy Dollarhyde) In his bitch-nuts. After a brief foray with the butt of Abigail Spencer’s (Alice) gun and a short stay in jail, he is shipped off to face the long arm of federal law! Not before Harrison Ford (Woodrow Dollarhyde), fresh from torturing a cattle farmer suffering from a severe case of alien induced PTSD, has something to say about the imprisonment of his son (jailed for putting slugs in a sherriff). It’s all popping off and Sam Rockwell (imaginatively named doc....) is spazzing out... Then the aliens come and ruin shits for a 1 mile radius.
From here on out it is a desperate battle for survival between the cowboys and the slightly... ever so slightly more advanced, space aliens in their heavy armoured laser ships.... did I say they were just a wee bit more advanced?
To put it bluntly this film was fucking ass! But a really nice ass, pert, round, thick, very squeezable, the kinda ass you would sell your mother to get a piece of but the problem is it still an ass and shit routinely passes through those pristine cheeks on its journey to the land of wind and ghosts (otherwise known as Tottenham).
What I mean by this is that there are some generally bad ass action scenes throughout this film that kept the pulse racing. I also thought the alien designs were inventive. I know some people will hate the designs but monsters are generally hokey once you seem them face to face so I always set my alien expectations quite low.
The problem was the story. Now I am no story Nazi, I can watch pretty much anything, I don’t always demand a good story I just need a brisk one. If you’re going to try and tell a story through cliches, keep it punchy and quick, don’t dwell on it. Don’t let me marinate in your shit stew, let me drink it quick, i just want to open up a fresh vein and inject it, not put in a blunt and take my time smoking it! The god awful attempts at character development gave me strain in my eyes from continuous rolling. I wish this film had stuck to it’s action guns and done what it did best (aliens... punching horses... in the face... to death...)
Overall though, I enjoyed this film and didn’t feel too pissed that I paid full price for it due to excellent action set-pieces, some strong, if slightly generic, cinematography and the general quality of the cast.
However, some of the ‘racial harmony through getting finished by aliens’ stuff was insulting, the time spent developing characters through ham-fisted dialogue slowed the film down to a crawl and allowed me too much time to think about how fucking stupid this film was.
contrary to what this movie would have you believe, aliens would rape and pillage the shit out of cowboys and when they got tired of using their fleshy bodies as pin cushions for their laser alien wangs they would turn to the rest of the world angry, annoyed and erect with laser penised fury!!!
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